I thought i would write how i am feeling here
mainly for my own piece of mind - but your welcome to view
i hope as i write all these feelings down - that i can see some light at the end of the tunnel

to begin!

My nanna is my world - we have always been very close, i can always remember as a young child
spending all my school holidays here - being spoilt, like nannas do

as my nanna has got older in age - she always carried on thinking she was a *spring chicken*
My nanna is now 92 years old and just been diagnosed with *Vulva Cancer*
my nan took things really well, i however just fell to pieces, and found it really hard to cope with!

Soon as nan was diagnosed, the hospital was great, they got things moving really quickly
and shes had her operation which went well,and is now home!  but it was strange seeing my nanna who now looks so frail and struggling with life, when she has always been so active
and now needs help to walk / sit, and do things she always used to just get straight on with, like cooking and cleaning - going out, alittle gardening and so much more

24/7 care - is now needed for my nanna
she just cannot be left alone - which just breaks my heart!

we are at the moment sharing the care between 3 members of the family as Social services still havent come  to help or assess the situation - for all they care, she could be left alone with no help just rotting!

my mum has COPD, but carries on as if shes 21, i wish she would stop smoking as this isnt helping her health one little bit - each time i mention it, we agree to disagree, before arguments start out!
well until monday she was helping care for nanna - but monday night she collapsed and was rushed into hospital herself with her breathing and is still there.

my cousin ( who is just getting over cancer herself, but still has health problems ) is doing all the nighttime looking after - and some daytime, as i work and can only get here 6 days after work, including sleeping one nighttime at the weekend and spending sat/sun with my nanna
leaving my own household to kinda run itself
as most people know, washing/ironing and cleaning/shopping just doesnt do itself

* wish i could freeze time* maybe then i could get all the things done i need.
this is really driving me nuts, having so much to do, and no time to do it
* i should be asleep right  now, but my mind is racing*

anyway back to Nanna

so now my nanna has been home 3 weeks
she is in so much pain - its heart breaking to see, and especially when the medication doesnt help
and ends up making her worse -

her last visit to see her Specialist Doctor to see how her wounds were healing and to sort out the Radiation Treatment for the 15th Dec
Her Doc was pleased with how she is healing - but isnt pleased with her general health condition, and is thinking it might be a better idea to wait til after Christmas to begin the Radiation Treatment as the stronger she is, the better her chances
So now were just *waiting* for information from the radiation specialiist to speak with her cancer doc.
and in the meantime we sit and watch not really knowing how to deal with things
do i cut myself into 4, sending each part of me to *Work* - *family* - *my mum* or *my nanna*
its something i just havent figured out yet
but i am figuring out that things cannot go on as they are - i snap at everyone, and they just dont deserve it but at the moment its my only release

i am signing off now
will be back with more thoughts/feelings
when i have time to spare

Good Monday morning to you! I'm dropping by to congratulate you on winning this week's JOTW award. You have an awesome journal here; keep up the great work!

Wow, I know you feel snowed under. My mom had COPD. It did help her some when she finally quit smoking. Maybe this scare will help your mom to quit. It was after Mama went to the hospital with pneumonia once that she finally quit.
I hate the years that smoking stole from her that we could have had her, but it is comfort to know she is just on the other side of the door in Heaven with Jesus. I will see her again.

I am saying a prayer for you and all you are going through. I pray you will find strength and comfort in the Lord.